what just happened

If i don't make sense it is alright as that is the exact reflection of what i may be feeling inside. You spend your life putting things in boxes ,labeling them , evaluating their characteristics , finding comparisons and bringing peace to the curiously forever muddled mind. You some what resign to the notion that you have classified and quantified the ideas in question and they are neatly in order and constant. Constant you think ? We know that nothing is constant still why live in the delusion that it might be a living breathing fact. Change is the only constant a well recognized circumstance , Still we hang on pitifully to the slimmest strand of hope , It could all remain eternally this way.

It doesn't. By realizing this it should be absorbed or swallowed hard in completion , that expectation of any kind from a notion which has no persisting element is folly worthy of grave punishment . It is unacceptable . Logically refutable. This knowledge is not a new revelation . I was fully aware of this. Why then was i betrayed by hope and faith ? Why did my shard of expectation stabbed me in the back? me and so many others . Every minute every day . Still hope sustains life and life is temporary ,cannot take it for granted ,no room for it . So live as life has newer options . limitless contradictions . It may be a bumpy ride but a ride with no retakes no return policy. Thus i carry on without full comprehension but with conviction that the next hurdle will be met with force and that it is 99 percent of how you take it and a mere 1 percent of the 'making it' part . The one percent does, IN all it's underestimated glory, exist .

pweeze lemmme wite ! pretty pweez

HAVE you heard of the saying "you have to fight for what you want "? or maybe it isn't a saying at all. hmmmm .... regardless, that is precisely what we have to do ( or more so ,i have to do) . any venture i try to embark on,any little whim or fancy i decide to gratify , i have to battle with forces unlimited .
how excruciating is it to be able to smell , caress and almost grab your port of call , and not quite manage the feat . this feeling keeps on lingering and transforming into newer shapes and sizes, the only thing that remains constant is , it is wholly present. let me explain in detail ( ok you are only allowed one {oh god!} per blog) this phenomenon i talk of is a common factor which inhibits us to function as we please. i may be given the liberty to divide this factor , which is a cluster of various elements , into classes or subdivisions so as to look at it scientifically and also making it easier to propose a suitable remedy

let me also name them in the name of science { ok i permitted one oh god !!!! please note it down somewhere}
the first shall be called

Samaajh ki devar ( Urdu phrase. literal meaning: Wall of society . Philosophical connotation : superimposed cultural rules , norms and taboos.

this factor is predominant in all our classes. especially the middle class.( alas! the most sandwiched and affected of all the echelons )
i unfortunately are a sore product of such a genre. as i have continually ( if i may say so my self rather irritatingly ) harped on my intense love of the arts ,it will come as no surprise that i have had to deal with the most vehement opposition regarding this indulgence . Acting is regarded as third rate and given no category ,meaning its isn't even seen as a profession . ahem , the worst of all i modeled as well ( still do :)) which made me quite the celebrated outcast . as i was written of by many self proclaimed respectable pillars of society , i started to ruminate . all the persons judging me, materialized as insignificant in every sense of the word. they mean sh## to me and my life. the whole ado about "what will people say ?" is quite unnecessary . if your actions aren't hurting some one physically or any one you truly hold in esteem , then by all means go for it. society should learn to live and let live .

Waalidain ke Farmabardari ( Urdu phrase : literal meaning: obedience of parents: deeper connotation : being coerced to do every thing with parental consent only)

This particular constituent affected me mildly. there was strict raj on me during my teenage days but it fizzled out eventually as i turned out to quite the model bacha with no black sheep tendencies or coquettish charms ,characteristic of girls of that age. my educational preferences were never questioned , my friends never posed an immoral threat and my attire ( clothes are a big issue in Muslim countries) always appropriate ( though a big no no fashionably speaking) this wasn't at all the scenario around me though. My peers were under constant dire scrutiny . they had to be ,do and become however their parents wanted. Whether it be a professional choice like doctor ,engineer ,chartered accountant or no matter what the family business enabled them to be, or the choice of a life partner. It was and is still mandatory to take parental approval over all such decisions . Even our religion affords us the right to choose but the axe of thy parents is forever hanging on our heads . Parents have an absolute right to debate but in a somewhat logical perspective ( he or she not belonging to the same sect , or is dark or has a pug nose do not come under rational reasoning) unnecessary imposition leads to stronger barriers persistent distancing and ill feeling . I think parents shouldn't be totally pal like but somewhat open minded . Every individual needs to blossom on his or her own to fare well in this mad bad world. All the smothering, overprotection and Hitler-ish behavior hampers the development of the offspring . I fail to comprehend the need to make one's children absolute replicas of themselves or in accordance with certain archaic principals followed to the letter . I haven't a clue as to how this specific pressure can be countered . do you?

Zameer Ki Unginat Awaazain(Urdu phrase. literal meaning : innumerable voices of the conscience. Essential substance : self allocated censors and parameters.

This is the most lethal of them all . You can escape society ,you can dodge the ancestral ball
but the battle within is the toughest to tackle. ( for certain people this may not be a dilemma at all , in consequence to the absolute absence of even the tiniest bit of scruples) for me it is the worst , not that i am claiming to have supernatural application of compunction, i do have guilt pangs the size of meteors though. i know the easiest way to go is the wrong way , but then who is the judge of what is right or wrong. these are ambiguous ideas and extremely subjective . Getting back to the original inspiration behind my blubbering, the things i want to do like writing for instance, i can't, as i feel the time i am giving to this hobby of mine should be actually spent on Anaya. Hence guilt plagues me . i want to go out have fun feel free relax but every little thing is a big deal and i forbid myself. When i get on with my work out ( which i try to do at home ) Anaya calls out mama and lo and behold i see myself being wrenched away from my time, to be with her . Even writing it out makes me feel like a horrible mother who doesn't love her child .Logically i know i do and try my level best to be an exemplary parent but how to reason with my inner stern self. I believe that i ought to balance my time and prioritize. That would help right? Sigh khair i believe with time it fades or not i shall have to see . I come to realize though that as mothers or even some very amazing fathers , you have to retain a bit of your selves or carry out you own desires from time to time , to stay happy . It is a difficult task but tell your self that it is in the best interests of your children as you could become bitter and start blaming them for your self restraints . In addition to this a positive role model should be available for them in your form (wow i am seeing the light ) .

To end the charade , i would like to say that , judiciousness is good in moderation . take from your parents, the society and THEN translate and refine it to a healthier you . The choices you make should not detrimental to others in question or also primarily to your self . the rest is well yours to ponder upon i merely proposed a hypothetical question .Please don't kill the messenger . Be safe and sound, till my next round, i bid temporary farewell.

what now?

okay so i became a mommy big deal! millions of children are born every minute all over this planet . so i was an actress and a part model and pregnancy played havoc with my bod so what !!!! i should be able to get back the abs plus the non existent back side. all it takes is a little bit of an effort right ? :) my daughter is almost 1 and a half years old still the endeavor i fore mentioned has not pulled off any thing . i have lost weight but the fat is still there in the most undesirable of places ,the jiggle still wobbling and the post natal(to date) giving me the lowest self esteem i couldn't even fathom in others.
This quandary is faced by all us women after the elevation of our statuses too parents. i am sure it doesn't necessarily affect us all in the same intensity but none the less it is there. for me it has been over bearing . Two reasons first: my livelihood depends on my appearance and secondly i have always been a staunch physical fitness advocate, based strongly on my extreme weight fluctuations in the past. i dealt with Anorexia in my teenage years and before that i was pretty close to a sumo wrestler (not that i have any thing against them ) hence all the fat gain has hit me supremely hard.
I am absolutely one hundred thousand percent aware of the means with which i could bid sweet sweet farewell to the pounds and kilos , just that don't you think there is always a time crunch or persistent baby duty(which i adore to the core) or varied unavoidable circumstances which puncture any and every sub conscious urge to work those muscles back to life ! whew that was a hefty one. my cute little sister suggested yoga and aerobics and swimming (all separately and with intervals between them ) to each i had a suitable answer ready , which varied in reasons but gist the same, NO CAN DO .
Hah what a loser ! that is what you are thinking? correct ? i know i am . i am sick of this attitude with which i have laden my self. all the preggo (well not all only the very IMPORTANT ONES) have managed to regain their nice shapely thin forms , and all i do is complain, moan and delve in self loathing or pity ! tut tut . there are such sweet lovable encouraging people around me like my dear dear life partner, my temporary mommy ( i say this as she is Always working) my bff sister and some friends ,won't name any in order to avoid bloated heads, every one is there to help but i don't get off my.... eureka !!!!i found it :) god helps those who help themselves (and stop their ceaseless whining), have patience and forbearance !!!! yes yes YEEEEEEES why didn't i know about this earlier ? 'course i did .sigh !!!! ahem, only this that writing about it makes it more bona fide and authentic .
After this not so revelation i am headed to the treadmill finally !so sweet of you to bear with me and my banter. needed an ear and a shoulder literally . will bore you again with more of disclosures ,i promise, not too soon :) take good care . tata

how to be your own master

hey again. i know it sounds dangerously like one of those self help essays where the writer is trying hard to convince his/her own psyche of the hypothetical notions he / she is presenting but fact of the matter is , its not . i merely want to present my own catch 22 .
From the get go we are involuntarily swerved into directions of other persons choice . it is a fact that learning is swifter when experiences of superior beings( to be noted a highly subjective opinion) for instance our parents ,uncles, aunts ,grand parents, teachers ,village wise woman etc are available for reference. The question is, is it mandatory to follow their "virtuous path"unerringly ? or can we be allowed to transgress and select our own course ? The answer : beggars aren't choosers . take what you can . life only comes once so live it to the fullest . fear only fear itself ,go figure .
Now this apparent mumbo jumbo has the appearance of great resilience but does it fare well to real live tests. my point is we need to be guided to a certain extent . an allowance of making your own mistakes should be in the bargain . you see it rarely happens . you have to take the reins in your hands in order to maintain your own perspective or in some cases building your perspective
Hahhahhahahaha yep very much like self help books i can't help it !!!! this dilemma has plagued me forever. no , my parents have been extremely liberal with my brought up but the situation all around was and is atrocious. every one is inadvertently dependent on another for even the most primitive of decisions like what clothes to wear? what what to eat ?(and i don't mean religious specifications ) who to like or fall in love with ? what to specialize in studies? and so on and so forth .we are dictated by a number of factors in society . religion being one, then tradition of that particular culture also ancestral norms ad principals ,all of which determine our personalities.
My query is that these influences are by no means negative but why has the freedom of choice tried to be suppressed to the verge of absolute extinction ? why is there an inherent need to produce robots rather than self keeping individuals who could bring about diversity and a broader spectrum of advancement to our own interests ? it is an absolute enigma to me.
part one of my thirst for the truth ends here catch you later please feel free to relate your thoughts. till then be yourself.

hello there . its been my wish, since the advent of my wishing , to express myself . i have tried all mediums ,you name it , writing ,singing ,dancing, painting , cell phone messaging (to the horror of my poor beloved other half as they are tiresomely long) as well as poetry .i even gave it a go on FACEBOOK but then eureka !!! i came across the existence of Blogs, so i decided i need a proper solid out let . here it goes .
i am an artist . have known this since my toddler years when i sang my first nursery rhyme. i am not too sure of the exact quantification of my talent but i am and always will be a hard worker . i have tried my hand at all forms of artistic declaration but i found acting to be the most satisfactory and quickest means of creative release. its been a decade since my first such venture on the so called "idiot box" and i have enjoyed all the highs and lows that come with it. as i have over and over again betrayed my love for creativity it is incumbent i must inform that having a child was somewhat another expression of my being . i know, i know, how completely self seeking you must think of me but i just wanted to see what my extension would be like or maybe i am just a woman and wanted to be mothering someone and fast . that is confusing to me still but what ever the cause the effect was i became a MAMA . Before i was a girl dreaming limitless impossible dreams ,falling in love with my beau and life and work, ginormously motivated and energized ,two feet off the ground, the world at my toes , Then in a flash all of that became history and another being took over me ,my life ,my time, my reality and i almost lost myself in this storm made up of contrasting elements . that is what i want to write about now . to share and to appeal for answers which plague my ego :) hope i manage to tickle your desire to help a lost soul . till later . take care